Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
