You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
