Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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