i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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