I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
