my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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