i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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