Need sex. Gaining weight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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