They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
