the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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