I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
