I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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