so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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