I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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