Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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