I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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