I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
