I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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