if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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