I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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