Rock
Scissors
Fuck
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
