Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
