Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
