she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
