life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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