love makes seman taste better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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