my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
