I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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