I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
