If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
