New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
