Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
