i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
