i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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