i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
