There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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