And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
