I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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