Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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