Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
