this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
