my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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