I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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