So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
