Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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