If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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