Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
