Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
