You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
