My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
