cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
