You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
my liver is dry heaving
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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