I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
