You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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