I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
