it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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