I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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