worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
