My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
