We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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