yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
