just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
